Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart
Discovering the Beauty and Freedom of God-Defined Sexuality
By Kristen Clark & Bethany Beal
Reviewed by: Ashley Davis
Before we jump into our review today, I feel compelled to tell you that if you are a mama with a daughter that’s a teen or that will be a teen in the next two to three years, you NEED to read this book. Don’t be naïve to what your daughters are up against. I have released other book reviews by these authors (Girl Defined was released first, Love Defined was released second which are also excellent resources) but these books don’t have to be read in a specific order each can be read as individual volumes. If you plan to read all three books or use all three with a group, doing them in order would be helpful since the ideas in each book can work cooperatively. Today’s recommendation covers Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart: Discovering the Beauty and Freedom of God-Defined Sexuality.
On a more personal note, I will first admit that sexual integrity is a topic that has been of great interest to me. I’ve attended conferences, retreats, small groups, and participated with this content in a variety of ways, especially during a season when my husband worked with a local ministry, Be Broken, where the focus was helping people find freedom from sexually related sins and addictions while also providing support for spouses and loved ones. That being said, I am quite familiar with this niche area of the Christian world so much of the content, lingo, and concepts expressed in this book have lost their initial “shock value” for me. You need to know that this book GOES THERE. Maybe you’re wondering… Wait… where? Yeah, it goes THERE – all the places. But the reality is, our world is going all those places too and most of us or our children cannot be sheltered from the world’s ungodly view of sex, purity, and our heart’s longings. It’s best, for ourselves and the girls around us that we love, to have a Biblical, God-defined view of sexuality.
This book begins with the basic concept that we’re all sexually broken. For many of us raised in “purity culture,” our knee-jerk response to this concept tends to be opposition, but the whole point these sisters are trying to make is that whether you’ve actively struggled with pornography addition, mental lust, erotica, or extra-marital relationships, or seemingly nothing at all, none of us is completely and perfectly pure. Christ is the only one truly pure. If nothing else, we’re prideful in our purity (oh, the irony!) or our concept of sexual relationships and sexuality is skewed. In reading this chapter, don’t take it as a personal offense or attack that the authors are using this idea for the foundation of the book. I would recommend considering the concept prayerfully. At the conclusion of the first chapter, the sisters share their reasons for writing this book and what they hope readers will discover.
o A biblical understanding of sexuality
o God’s good design for love, passion, and sex
o Why your longings for intimacy are actually a good thing
o How to conquer lust in your life
o What God’s Word teaches about porn, masturbation, and erotica
o How to deal with secret sexual struggles
Chapter two kicks off with another layer of the foundation: lust isn’t just a guy’s problem! This chapter discusses some interesting differences between men and women that clarify why lust appeals to both sexes even though they are fundamentally different. Chapter three takes us back to the beginning and fleshes out where things went wrong back in the garden. Chapter four gives us four cultural lies about our sexual design: sexual identity is determined by personal desires; marriage is a union between any two partners; sex should be embraced whatever way seems right; femininity is about being seductive and powerful.
In part two, the authors take a deep dive into God’s spectacular design for sexuality. They start with the basis that we all need a hero. Jesus is that hero, our rescuer from every sin and weight, even the hard-to-share, seemingly unmentionable sexual sins. They also share four Biblical truths about our sexual design that serve as a foil to the four lies the culture tell us: sexual identity is a God-assigned reality; marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman; sex was created for intimacy within marriage; femininity is a display of God’s good design for femininity.
Part three really gets into the nitty gritty. It covers topics such as battling temptation, the secret struggle within your mind, same-sex attraction, real talk about porn, erotica, and masturbation, and answering hush-hush questions.
Finally, section four, the hope at the end of the proverbial tunnel, discusses finding sexual freedom that lasts, finally being satisfied, and living sexually redeemed. There’s also a helpful appendix with information about sexual abuse and a condensed listing of the chapters’ discussion questions.
I have used Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart as a personal resource for how to have these hard, usually uncomfortable conversations with teen and young adult girls in the middle of a struggle. I’ve also read it together with girls in the middle of a struggle, checking in with them during the reading process to see how they’re doing. Each chapter does conclude with discussion questions; these are valuable in the mentor process. This book greatly helped me reframe my understanding of these kind of struggles and helped me grow in my appreciation for God’s good design.
Here are a few quotes I liked from Sex Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart:
“He [Jesus] died for the sin we try to cover and hide. He died and provided the true covering we all need. Because of Jesus, we don't have to hide behind fig leaves anymore. We can accept the perfect covering of forgiveness and righteousness He gives” (68).
“I’m not just abstaining from something bad – I’m fighting for something good” (149).
“Belief. That’s the foundation for our salvation, and it’s also the foundation for conquering sin” (177).
Audience:
Women, girls 15+; The age appropriateness of this book will depend greatly on the maturity of the young reader.
Usefulness Rating:
In my opinion, this is the most valuable book written by these sisters. Kristen and Bethany don’t hold back from addressing these topics from a Biblical perspective, and we as women and the youth & young adult girls around us NEED this honesty, directness, and adjustment in perspective.
Entertainment Value:
Kristen and Bethany use lots of personal stories, other people’s testimonies, and cultural references that keep this book engaging and entertaining.
Good for Groups:
I would recommend this book more for one-on-one, mentor style use. I think the topics are delicate enough that they’re best discussed in a more private setting, but that would all depend on the dynamics of your group.
To learn more about Kristen and Bethany, you can visit their website www.girldefined.com
For more information about this book or other reading suggestions, feel free to contact me directly.
