When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable
By Karen Ehman
Reviewed By: Ashley Davis
If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, burned out, and pulled in too many directions, you need this book! If you’re a knee-jerk “yes woman,” you need this book. If you feel an extraordinary sense of obligation to others, you NEED this book. When Cloud & Townsend’s Boundaries book meets Lysa TerKeurst’s The Best Yes, you get this enlightening book by author Karen Ehman, When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable. This book beautifully and precisely cuts to the root of the reasons why we like to please others and gives practical tools for how to reign in that constant desire and live free from the fear of man.
You can see from the picture of this week’s recommendation that my copy of this book is full of sticky annotation tabs. There is an abundance of wonderful guidance in this book! That being said, I don’t want you to walk away from this review or walk away after having read the book thinking it’s appropriate to start telling everyone in your life “no” or to start turning down any opportunity that would take time or be hard. Or – heaven forbid – to use it as an excuse to skip church, disengage, or withdraw. The real key in this book is learning what drives YOU to please others and then taking the time to develop and practice tools to tame that behavior.
Each chapter of this book begins with an inspiring or funny quote and a Bible verse that applies to the content of the chapter. Ehman kicks things off getting straight to the point in her first chapter by calling this problem exactly what it is: people pleasing. She shares her impetus for this book and personal stories that led her to her “Summer of Necessary and No.” The first chapter concludes with a handy little assessment tool to help readers analyze just how much of a struggle this issue is for them. This kind of assessment can be jarring, but it is helpful for keeping us honest.
Chapter 2 considers what kind of fears we’re facing that drive us to please other (a fear of man, rather than a fear of God). Chapter 3 gives examples of people that we tend to encounter in our aims to please (pushers, pouters, guilt bombers, etc.). Chapter 4 considers the connection between truth and people pleasing. Chapter 5 is chock full of helpful guidelines and ideas for creating boundaries around phones and social media usage. Chapter 6 (best chapter if you ask me!) hones in on why, when, and how to say that oh-so-difficult word – NO. Chapter 7 gives guidance for how to say no as a means to preserve time for your own rest and health. Chapter 8 gets down to the nitty-gritty and helps readers determine their priorities and develop methods to actually keep their lives aligned with that priority list! Chapter 9 cuts to the heart of this entire issue by revealing what truly lies at the root of it: pride.
Here are some quotes I liked from When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable:
"I quickly realized that I didn't just like to please people, but that I was actually afraid of them. Maybe not afraid that they were going to do something to harm me physically, but afraid of what they might think of me. Or afraid of what they might say about me to others. Or afraid of looking incompetent in their eyes. Or afraid of disappointing them" (26).
"So, what is this fine line between right and almost right when it comes to people pleasing? Well, it is one thing to constantly feel the pull of pleasing others, regardless of what they are asking you to do. However, if in the overarching umbrella of seeking to please God, you end up pleasing people, that is a different thing entirely. Seeking to live a life that glorifies God will end up pleasing others in the process. The trouble comes in when we only seek to fulfill their wishes, regardless of whether it fits into God's overarching plan. Others being pleased with our behavior is a by-product of our seeking to glorify God. It is not the main objective" (57).
"When you put some firm boundaries in place, there's no doubt it will upset some people and you may have to navigate some uncomfortable conversations. However, you will be saving your sanity by monitoring your capacity and using your time wisely" (96).
"Saying no to the things that we discern--through prayer and the study of God's Word--are ours not to do, frees us up to say yes to the important assignments God has for us" (101).
"Often, we grant a permission slip to people who should be playing a minor role in our lives, elevating them to the position of executive director and producer. Remember, if you aren't deliberate to prioritize your time, scads of others are out there happy to fill it for you" (147).
Audience:
Women; young adult and older.
Usefulness Rating:
Super useful! If you feel like you’re drowning in responsibilities you’ve allowed others to place on you, this book will give you the tools to start feeling some relief and peace soon.
Entertainment Value:
Karen Ehman’s personal stories made this book entertaining. It’s an easy but thought-provoking read.
Good For Groups:
This would be good for groups! The book has an accompanying study guide and six video sessions to watch with a group.
For more information about this book or other reading suggestions, feel free to contact me directly.
